The U. S. Office on Violence Against Women defines domestic violence as a "pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.” It can take many forms, including physical, sexual, emotional, economic, and psychological abuse.

Who are the victims? Anyone. The Domestic Violence Resource Center reports that each year in the United States, between 600,000 and 6 million women are victims of abuse–and between 100,000 and 6 million men, depending on the type of survey used. Because our culture demands that men present a strong façade, this leads to minimizing female-perpetrated abuse, thus those figures are harder to quantify. These figures, though, speak volumes:

• On average, every day in America more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners (IP). In 2000, 1,247 women were killed by an IP. The same year, 440 men lost their lives to an IP.
• Costs of intimate partner violence in the United States exceed $5.8 billion annually. $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services. Productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.
• Four children die every day in America from child abuse and neglect.
• This Nation spends approximately $258 million annually on foster care, incarceration, and other costs due to child abuse and neglect.
• Forty-five percent of abused children become adult alcoholics, continuing the cycle of abuse.

These statistics reveal an urgent need for intervention for the abused and abuser. What can you and I do? First and foremost, we can educate ourselves. Then we must be willing, and courageous enough, to help.

Would you recognize abusive tendencies in your partner? We’ll cover that topic next.

Kitty Chappell, an international speaker and award-winning author, is a childhood domestic violence overcomer. After enjoying a 47 year marriage, she is now a widow, and lives in Chandler, AZ

As the oldest child in my abused family, I often tried to protect my mother from our father’s jealous rages and beatings. At 16, I fell in love with and became engaged to a handsome high school dropout—whom I hoped was my ticket to freedom! Initially, I was flattered by his extreme possessiveness ... until my male school mates started avoiding me, some sporting black eyes and bandaged noses. Though my fiancé never hit me, I saw too many of my father’s traits in him, so I ditched him. I didn’t want to repeat my mother’s mistake.

But how many young women don’t see the signs?

Noticing and acknowledging warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence is the first step to preventing it—and ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love.

Here are a few of the most common warning signs. If you recognize any of these in your intimate relationships, take action.

Does your partner (male or female) ever…

• Act excessively jealous and possessive?
• Put you down and make you feel worthless?
• Intimidate and threaten to hurt you or someone you love?
• Threaten to hurt himself/herself if you don’t comply with their wishes?
• Try to isolate you from your friends or family?
• Abuse you, then act loving, saying it won’t happen again, but it does?
• Pressure or force you into unwanted sex?
• Control your access to money?
• Stalk you, including calling you constantly or following you?

If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, be assured there is help available in your community. Call 800.621.HOPE (4673)

Kitty Chappell, an international speaker and award-winning author, is a childhood domestic violence overcomer. After enjoying a 47 year marriage, she is now a widow, and lives in Chandler, AZ

You are told by your abuser that you can’t survive without him because you’re stupid and unemployable—and, he blames you for his abuse. Despite the small voice crying inside you, saying “it’s not true,” his abuse validates his destructive words ... and you believe him.

How do I know? Because for years I heard such comments from my father as he abused me, my siblings and my mother. We were freed from him only after his imprisonment for almost murdering my mother.

Why didn’t we leave? There was no place to go. At that time, there were no domestic violence organizations to aid victims. Thankfully, that’s no longer true.

Where to find help

Today, there are local abuse organizations that provide safe shelter, counseling, occupational training, help you find employment, direct you to either free or affordable legal counsel, and even accompany you as you face your adversary during your divorce proceeding. But leaving your abusive environment must begin with you. Don’t make the mistake of doing nothing or merely trying harder to please your abuser in hopes he will improve. Statistically, abusers never change until separated from their victims, if then. Check your local telephone directory for domestic violence services.

SAFETY ALERT: If you are in danger, call 911, your local hotline, or the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224. If in no immediate danger, contact NDVH by computer at thehotline.org for helpful information. Be sure to use a safe computer at a different location, as anything you research will leave a computer trail which you won’t want your abuser to follow.

There are trained professionals who genuinely care about you and are waiting for your call.

Kitty Chappell, an international speaker and award-winning author, is a childhood domestic violence overcomer. After enjoying a 47 year marriage, she is now a widow, and lives in Chandler, AZ

I thought I’d be happy following my father’s imprisonment, but I wasn’t. We had relocated to begin our new life and heal from our hurts, but it wasn’t working. We had dragged our past with us.

I was the first to tire of rehashing past injustices. Observing how hate kept us chained to my father, and hoping forgiveness might free us, I discussed it with mom. She said she’d never forgive dad. He didn’t deserve it. I countered, “Forgiveness is for our healing, not his—don’t we deserve freedom?”

We children ultimately forgave dad and moved on. Mom refused, believing her unforgiveness would cause Dad to suffer. But it didn’t. Sadly, mom never moved forward, and stayed stuck in her bitterness until her death.

You can – and should – learn from your past, but don’t relive it. Prepare for moving ahead with these four travel tips:

Mental: Stimulate your mind. Start a new hobby, join a book club, or do puzzles. This can be interesting and build confidence. You’ll discover you’re not dumb, as you were previously told.

Physical: Exercise and walk whenever possible. Get adequate rest. Cut down on alcohol, nicotine and caffeine. Don’t skip meals. Try eating nutritious foods. Many actually do taste good!

Social: Make time for wholesome fun. Select friends who encourage and bring out the best in you. Avoid negative individuals who drain and depress you. Linger around those who laugh easily and make you laugh.

Spiritual: Find a church or synagogue to inspire you. Worship provides a beneficial healing dimension, especially for those overcoming abusive backgrounds. You could be surprised—you might not fall asleep during the service.

Remember, you are irreplaceable! There will never be another you ... so be the best and happiest you possible!

Kitty Chappell, an international speaker and award-winning author, is a childhood domestic violence overcomer. After enjoying a 47 year marriage, she is now a widow, and lives in Chandler, AZ

Helping your friends victimized by domestic abuse starts with the basics. Encourage them to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Offer to go with them to talk with other family and friends. Find a local domestic violence agency that provides counseling or support groups. If they need to go to the police, to court, or to see an attorney, offer to go with them as moral support.

More practical responses include:

• Educate yourself through material available at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH). Google their acronym and click on “Helping a Friend”.
• Be supportive and nonjudgmental. Listen. They need someone to believe them.
• Let them know the abuse is not their fault; they didn’t cause it.
• Focus on concerns for your friend instead of criticizing the abuser. Your friend may not be receptive to your help if she feels she has to defend why she is in the relationship. Love dies hard and many victims love their abuser.
• Don’t try to rescue them. Leaving the relationship must be their decision. If it isn’t, they’ll likely return to the abuser and things will worsen. Yet be bold in expressing your concern for their safety.
• Prepare yourself for the time they do ask for help by reading NDVH safety planning tips. You can then discuss them with your friend.
• Be supportive when the abused feels alone or mourns the loss of the relationship. This is a normal part of the healing process.

Finally, you are needed as a volunteer! I know older couples who babysit at a local shelter while mothers attend counseling sessions. Do you think those children will ever forget those loving grandparent figures? Why not call your local shelter and offer to help any way you can. What better legacy can you leave than having made a difference in someone’s life?

Kitty Chappell, an international speaker and award-winning author, is a childhood domestic violence overcomer. After enjoying a 47 year marriage, she is now a widow, and lives in Chandler, AZ

I heard on the news recently that medical scientists have discovered that insanity is, just as some of us suspected, hereditary—we get it from our children.

Children are wonderful, what a blessing to our lives. I thank God every day for both of my children, my son and daughter.

Yes, we are thankful for those happy memories with our children. But each of us has had our share of painful moments, also. Sadly, some of our heartaches are the result of the law of cause and effect ... because we were either too permissive and didn’t set boundaries, or we were too protective and they never learned how to make their own decisions, or we were too strict and they rebelled. If we could go back, I’m sure many of us would do things differently.

But sometimes we can do everything as right as rain and still have our hearts broken. Why? Because God created our precious children with a free will, just as He did us.

When Doug asked me to lead this class today, I immediately thought of this topic. HOW DO WE LET GO OF OUR ADULT CHILDREN?

I presented these well-received thoughts this past May at Grace Community’s XYZ Senior’s group.

So I’ll just jump right in.

I can’t tell you how many friends I have and people I know of who are being drained financially by their children or grandchildren, or other family members.

1. A close friend of mine in another state, divorced from her alcoholic husband when her children were toddlers, supported them to adulthood, she trained them well, and they were responsible children. She had an excellent paying job as general manager of an exclusive beach front hotel in S.B. where she helped take care of famous movie celebrities, President Reagan’s press staff and other members when he came to town.

She was thrifty, saved her money, and bought a rental, all without any child support from the father. She did everything right until her daughter married and had a family, fell upon hard times and began borrowing money from my friend (which they never fully paid back); my friend’s brother borrowed $30k for a business deal that went sour, and he never paid her back, her alcoholic son borrowed money ... now all of her money is gone, she is on medical disability and forced to live in a tenement area where drug deals go down all around her. That was never the picture she had of retirement.

2. A very close friend and her husband in the Phoenix area has borrowed so much money against their house, which was all paid for, to help their divorced son in another state and his toddler daughter, that when they sell their house there will be barely enough left over for a tiny patio home. My friend, in poor health, still has to work to make ends meet and her husband is near a nervous breakdown because of their dwindling retirement—hundreds of thousands of dollars that they will never see. And they are still helping support their son—“because” of their toddler granddaughter.

ADDICTION

To many this sounds insane! Why would anyone keep putting good money after bad? It’s because enabling becomes an addiction.

No alcoholic ever took his first drink and said, “I think I’ll become an alcoholic.” And if they suspect drinking is becoming a problem, they resort to denial “It’s only to help me relax ... I can quit any time I want, if I want to.”

The enabling parent rarely sees warning signs. Not until they began to suffer symptoms when the flowing out of finances is so profuse it needs a tourniquet to stop it. But by then the children are so used to depending upon the parent’s bail outs that the use of a tourniquet to stop the money flow seems more painful to the parent than not doing anything—so they slowly bleed to death financially.

If you want an eye opener, Google the phrase “enabling grown children” and look at the many pages on that subject. There is an epidemic of enabling parents in our nation. There are even support groups for them. And we Christians better start addressing it.

Should we help our grown children when they need it?

and we can?

Of course. But we should know the difference between helping and enabling. There is a fine line that can become easily blurred.

Who doesn’t need help at one time or other? My late husband Jerry and I needed help several times when he was temporarily out of work and our children were little. He borrowed money from his widowed mother but he always made a promissory note, with a payment schedule and we always repaid the loans on time.

Mom Chappell was happy to loan us money, not only because she wanted to help, but also because, against her objections, Jerry insisted on paying her 10% interest—which was more than what she earned at the bank. That is responsibility. We felt good knowing we helped her while she helped us. So yes, it’s good to help responsible adult children.

BUT WHAT ABOUT IRRESPONSIBLE CHILDREN?

If we loan money to an adult child who repays us only with excuses, and then we continue to loan him money, then we are teaching that child to steal – and without a guilty conscience.

OK, so maybe we don’t loan money to them, but just give it to them, again and again, actually supporting them ... because we consider ourselves to be just loving parents. Did you know that when we do that we displease our heavenly Father?

Why? Because not only are we not being good stewards of our money, but we are enabling our children (or grandchildren, or whomever) to become irresponsible moochers. But more importantly, we rob them of strength and integrity that comes to them only by being responsible.

MY SLIPPERY SLOPE

After Jerry passed away I started down the slippery slope of financially enabling our 40+ year old never-been-married daughter—and I should have known better.

Jerry and I used to shake our heads and wonder how our beautiful, talented daughter with an IQ that would qualify her for the Mensa Society, could make such unwise choices.

She and her older brother were treated equally — taught responsibility and brought up in the same loving Christian home with the same rules.

But Tamara was born with a very strong will ... an excellent quality when properly channeled; but she never liked discipline in any form—especially that of having to study or take instructions or orders from anyone.

She barely graduated from high school and refused to even think about preparing for college. She loved us, of course, but she loved her strong will more, and definitely had a mind of her own. She knew it all, no one could tell her anything—especially her parents.

Once she was out on her own, she made her own choices in job selections, held good positions, but never stuck with any of them—because it involved submitting to someone’s authority.

She decided to start her own house-cleaning business, not just because there was good money in it—but mostly so she could be her own boss. She could stay up late, sleep in, set her own hours, and work when and if she wanted — all of which she did, and then suffered financially.

Tamara is a Christian who tries to walk with the Lord, but it is hard because she insists on doing the leading. And we all know that doesn’t work.

She knows many scriptures and can quote them, but she selects them carefully ... focusing on all of God’s positive promises while overlooking the ones about responsibility.

For one year she believed that God would lift her out of poverty by letting her win the lottery because someone in her charismatic church had “spoken a word” to her that she was going to be blessed financially by God the coming year.” To prove this “prophet’s” words, she honed in on an OT verse promising “This is the year of the favor of the Lord”. In fact, the entire church claimed that scripture meant blessings would be showered upon them specifically as a church. Despite all of my counseling regarding that belief, she hung on to it—because that’s what she wanted to believe.

Thus, I was prayed up that New Year’s eve when she called, sobbing, devastated because God had let her down since He hadn’t come through with all that money. I spent two hours bringing in the New Year by reminding her of God’s real promises about loving us and never forsaking us. And it’s not about money. Thank God she outgrew that prosperity preaching line and moved on to a more stable church.

Tamara has never been involved with drugs, alcohol, or any form of substance abuse. So what’s her problem? Her attitude—which is one of entitlement. She believes “the haves” should give to her, the “have not”, despite the fact she is not willing to do what “the haves” did to earn it. She believes even God owes her because she is moral, chaste, and tithes—something He expects from each of us. Her obedience carried out only in hopes of receiving, is a very bad attitude.

I’ll never forget a comment made by a Special Olympics champion who, when someone referred to his handicap, replied “Handicap? I’m not handicapped. The person with a bad attitude is handicapped—the worst handicap there is!”

Sadly, my daughter isn’t alone. The entitlement attitude of her generation and the following one is prevalent. The truth is they are simply unwilling to do what their parents did. Work hard, do without things until they could pay for them, sacrifice and save. In other words, assume financial responsibility.

We all know the saying,

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day,
teach him how to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

Jerry and I really tried to teach Tamara to fish. But she didn’t want to learn. She didn’t want to work 40 hours a week, didn’t save, and so there were always emergencies.

For a while Jerry and I fell into the trap of bailing her out. We tried to teach her responsibility while “helping” her by reminding her the money was just a loan and we expected her to repay us. (Not because we would starve if she didn’t but because she needed to as a character-building discipline for her own integrity) So, Jerry set up a payment schedule. But when she only repaid us in excuses, we stopped “loaning” her money because we were only feeding her irresponsibility.

After Jerry passed away in 2005, I again began to walk that slippery slope of providing “emergency” bailout “loans”. She talked about repaying me, but was unwilling to do what was necessary so she could.

Last year, the frequency of her emergency loans began to disturb me. I sat down and for the first time tallied up what she owed and I was shocked!

The average annual total for each year I had “loaned” her money was more than my total annual social security income for those same years. Something had to change!

I knew I had to do something that was going to be very hard. Again and again, I asked the Lord for wisdom and the strength to do whatever He instructed me to do. I don’t know how long He kept telling me, but finally one day, I heard Him, clearly and distinctly say “Let go!!”

THE CLIMBER STORY

How many of you have heard the letting go story about the climber who fell off a cliff?

... As he tumbled down into the huge canyon, he frantically grabbed hold of a branch of a small tree.

“Help!” he shouted. “Is there anyone up there?”

A deep, majestic voice from the sky echoed through the canyon. “I will help you, my son. But first you must have faith and trust me.”

“All right, all right—I trust you,” answered the man.

The voice replied, “Let go of the branch.”

There was a long pause, and the man shouted again, “Is there anyone else up there?”

Letting go of our grown children is painful. And yet, when we call out to God for help, too often we don’t like His response. We look around for other solutions—or we just continue hanging on to our misery, afraid to let go.

Like the man hanging on to the branch, I knew I was in a dangerous and miserable situation, but neither did I like God’s answer. I couldn’t stand the thought of my only daughter having it any rougher than she already did.

God saw my hesitation and added, “You don’t want to let go because you don’t trust me and you have no respect for my law of sowing and reaping.

“Tamara is breaking that law and you are begging Me for a crop failure. But just like the law of gravity, the law of sowing and reaping is REAL!!! Stop asking me to break my own law because you love Tamara more than you love Me.”

OUCH! Those words got my attention—because my actions proved them to be true.

The prodigal son story

God then reminded me of the prodigal son story in Luke. You remember it.

How the youngest son, tired of his responsibilities at home, asked for, and received his share of inheritance, then wasted it in a foreign land. Then a famine came and you know the rest. He ended working in a smelly pig pen.

All the times I’d read that story, I’d only focused on the father’s forgiveness and the jealousy of the older brother when the prodigal returned home. I completely missed a third truth.

Still holding onto my branch, God showed me the truth I needed to see for the first time.

I saw that the father was not only willing to let his son go, but more importantly, he was willing to allow that son to suffer the consequences of his wrong choices.

Do you think for a moment that father didn’t know his own son? He knew his irresponsible nature better than anybody. And he knew that no amount of his trying to talk sense into his son’s head would work. So he let him go. And when the famine hit there the son was, living with the swine. Certainly not what that loving father had hoped for as a future for his son.

In the midst of that stinking and ugly setting—Jesus says these beautiful words about the son ... “and when he came to his senses.”

What caused the son to come to his senses? His circumstances. Not lectures or pleadings through messengers sent by his loving father, or tearful trips made by the father where he pleaded with the son to make a career change ... the father did none of that.

This wise father just let God’s law of sowing and reaping or, the law of cause and effect run its course——no matter how painful it was for the son.

The son had a lot of time to reflect on his miserable circumstances and he finally figured things out. He was where he was because of his own choices.

He also realized that his father’s servants, who survived quite well by being disciplined and taking orders and working long hard hours, had it better than he did. (And he had thought he was the one who was free!)

So the son decided that going home dead broke, begging for a job as a servant in his father’s house and submitting to authority was far better than living in a pig pen.

MY UNWISE CHOICES

Hanging there onto my miserable branch, I too, came to my senses by realizing the stinking state I was in was due, not to my daughter’s irresponsibility, but to my enabling, my unwise choices. And what were they?

First, I had not trusted God enough to do what not only common sense dictated, but what God’s word teaches. The entire Bible teaches individual responsibility. (2 Thessalonians 3:10-11) declares: If you don’t work, you don’t eat!

And Proverbs 6:6-11 talks about the wisdom of the ant and uses it as an example of working hard and saving as compared to the foolishness of the sluggard who will live as a vagabond in poverty. Hello?

Yet, here I was trying to fix my daughter’s irresponsibility by teaching her to be a sluggard, that it pays to avoid responsibility. How could my reasoning get so mixed up to think she would come to her senses by handing over more of MY hard-earned money?

Just as an alcoholic thinks what he really needs is another drink, Tamara sincerely believes that what she really needs is more money and that the lack of money is her biggest problem. (Not her unwillingness to work hard and earn it.)

My giving her more money makes about as much since as giving an alcoholic another drink to sober him up.

Secondly, I suffered from a lack of respect for God’s laws. I had convinced myself that I was just being a loving mother by helping my daughter. And if I had money and she didn’t shouldn’t I give it to her? That sounds pious, but it’s wrong and it’s dishonest.

I was trying to over-ride God’s laws of sowing and reaping, not just because I didn’t want Tamara to hurt, but because I didn’t want to hurt. When my daughter hurts, I hurt.

And wasn’t I hurting enough during that time by having to deal with grief over the loss of Jerry, the love of my life for 47 years, dealing with the feelings of betrayal by Jerry’s unethical young business partner, whom we loved like a son, who’s actions forced me to deal with attorneys for two years after Jerry died because he was trying to rob me of my rightful 50% of the business... and a lying builder who beat me out of $700 when he did a job on the smaller house I had to move into because I couldn’t afford the mortgage payments on our large lake front home? Wasn’t I hurting enough already?

I didn’t want to hurt any more than I had to. So it was easier to give my daughter money— that would prevent both of us from hurting—but only until I ran out of money.

So I did the very things that hindered her from coming to her senses:

I carpeted the pig pen, wallpapered it, air conditioned it, and sent cases of air fresheners so her pig pen would smell nice.

God forbid that my daughter be uncomfortable in the circumstances she had created! But God doesn’t forbid any such thing. He expects it.

Despite the hurt in my heart and the pain in my stomach, I knew what I had to do—and prayed diligently before I did it.

LOAN WINDOW IS CLOSED

The next time I spoke with my daughter I told her the loan window was closed. Lovingly and honestly I related what God had revealed to me—that I must trust her to Him and let go.

I said, “God reminded me that just as you are to be responsible with your finances, so am I to be with mine. What happens if I run out of money?” (That was the point I used with her ... but with God the issue wasn’t my running out of money but my trying to play God in her life by trying to circumvent HIS laws.)

“Tamara, at 74 years of age, I’d have to go to work and God doesn’t want that. He has a specific plan for me—to continue speaking and writing ... just as he has a specific plan for you which does not include depending upon your mother for money.”

In all fairness, she rarely asked me for money—not outright. She didn’t have to. She just painted a graphic picture of how terrible things were ... and I, not wanting to hurt by thinking about her pitiful situation, offered money. And she knew I would.

But now I’m free, I’ve let go. I continued, “Honey, since I can’t send you any more money, please don’t call and tell me about how broke you are, how you have no food in the house, or no money for gas ... for it would just hurt me, because I love you. My stomach would tie up in knots because I won’t be able to do anything about it. I have given God my word.

If you have a specific need, don’t tell me what it is, God knows what is— just say, ‘Mom, I need prayer, and you’ve got it.”

I’ve not given her a penny since. One time she weakened and mentioned that she might have to move but didn’t have money. And she was in a bad rental situation. She began crying and said “I guess I could always live in my car.”

This was my cue. But I wasn’t going to fall back into bondage. Do you know what I said? “Honey, you don’t have to worry about living in the streets. CA has excellent shelters. You can keep your car, live there at night where you are safe, and work during the day.”

“I’m not living in a shelter!” she exclaimed.

I said sweetly, “I understand. That would be hard, having to get rid of most of your stuff, sleeping on a cot with all of the other homeless women, but at least you’d be safe, not like if you lived in your car.” Pulling my chain didn’t work. I had let go.

Will she come to her senses? I don’t know. I do know I now trust God completely. If she doesn’t come to her senses and ends up in a shelter, I will still trust God and honor His law of sowing and reaping by not interfering with it. I will stay out of His way.

I can’t tell you how bad I hurt knowing how rough she was having it. But the more I trusted God, the less was my pain.

God is the Great Physician—He knows our pain and our needs? Why do we reject His prescription for pain relief by refusing to let go? Whether it’s our children or something else that’s making us miserable. Because we are weak, we need His strength to let go and trust Him. In John 15:5 Jesus said,

I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me, and I in him, he bears much fruit; for apart from me you can do nothing.

If we feel our efforts are fruitless—and feel too weak to let go, maybe we are not abiding in the Vine.

If any of you struggle with enabling your adult children, of if you know someone who is, I recommend this powerful book entitled, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke. (I bought this one used from Amazon.com)

I cried my eyes out in the first chapter when Allison described the pain of letting go of her adult son by refusing to post bail after his arrest. She writes: (p57)

Setting our adult children free to live the lives God intended them to live is not abandonment—even if it means setting them free during a time of severe trial and tribulation in their lives.

UPDATE:

Just a few days following this speech in May, I was sorely tested when Tamara called me almost in hysterics. The steering mechanism had gone out on her car, it was at the mechanics shop, it would cost $1200 to repair, and they wouldn’t let her drive it because it was too dangerous. She had no money, the elderly partially senile landlady with whom she lived where she exchanged house cleaning for a room, had told her to leave. She had no money to leave, had no money to repair her car, and no way to get to her housecleaning jobs. She really was in a desperate situation. My heart froze!

She said she could come up with about $400 and would I loan her the rest. I was soooo tempted! But I recalled the words of my speech, my vow to God to stay out of His way, and I knew I must not help her. It was tearing me apart but I said no, that I couldn’t. We talked a long time. I kept reminding her of God’s promises that He’d never forsake her, etc. As I’m encouraging her, I’m thinking I don’t see how even the Lord can help her out of this! But I prayed with her and told her to trust the Lord.

I was amazed when I talked with her a week later at how God, indeed, worked it all out. Her landlady, Veronica, said she could stay, even offered to loan her $200 toward her car repair. Tamara paid her landlady’s son to drive her to her housecleaning jobs. Tamara had attended a small group at her church. When the leader learned of Tam’s situation, she suggested that Tam have her car towed to her personal mechanic because she felt $1200 was too much. Tamara did, the new mechanic confirmed the problem and said he’d fix it for $900. The miracle was: the lady told Tamara she would pay the bill for Tamara and she could make monthly payments to her until it was paid off. Tamara hadn’t asked the lady to do that, she’d planned on giving the mechanic the $400 she had and paying him off in installments (if he agreed). Tamara was amazed! She gave the money she had to the lady who didn’t even ask Tamara to sign a promissory note.

I’d never heard Tamara so happy. “Mom, you were right. I now know I can trust the Lord in everything, I can depend on him. He wants me to be responsible financially, to trust Him and not depend upon my mom.” I told her, “Honey, you’ve made my day with this news. This is helping me, too, to realize I can trust the Lord and stay out of your life financially, just like He told me to do.”

It has been over six months since then. I get emails from her and she is happy. She has a greater self-respect for herself that has not been there before. I know it will take time for her attitude to change and for her to grow in responsibility, but that’s not my worry. I’ve let go of that financial branch and I’m free!

Epilogue:

Tamara called me the following 2011 New Year’s Day and this is how she began: “Thank you, Mom, for not rescuing me. I would never have known the joy of God rescuing me, or the joy of walking so closely with Him if you had. I know it was very hard for you to refuse me when I begged for help, but I am so thankful you didn’t.”

I wept silently in joy as I listened to her say the things I never dreamed I’d hear from her. She has a long way to go to make wiser decisions in supporting herself, and I don’t know what the future holds for her but I do know Who holds the future for both of us. And I thank God that I’m listening to Him.